My First Regional Tournament Experience - Shotokan Karate

 I am new to karate and wanted to see what a tournament is like before potentially participating in one. So, when I heard that they needed volunteers I thought that would be a perfect way to see what it was like. Beforehand, I read all of the table worker guides and instructions and thought I had a pretty good understanding of how it all runs. Upon getting to the event, myself and a couple other volunteers, were given a short run through of the different responsibilities for each table position. The tournament started with just one ring to get through some of the black belt competitions so they could help judge the second ring. Some of the other table workers were, at least, fairly experienced so we all worked together for it to go smoothly. Running the table during the Kata competitions was simple enough and easy to learn and follow along.

Then the Kumate rounds began. My adrenaline was soaring from being in a new, fast paced experience and doing a job I had virtually no knowledge of, on top of being anxious around all new people in an unfamiliar setting. I had never seen a sparring match before so I was experiencing the whole thing from two perspectives, spectator and table worker. The two competitors were very experienced and as spectators we were all caught up in the great performance. Near the end of the match both competitors moved in at the same time and you could hear the impact of the one of their fists to the others eye socket echoing through the gym and instant blood. The entire gym hissed in sympathetic pain in unison. My first thought was, “well, I’m never competing in Kumate.” From a table worker perspective, the entire match went so fast. While the corner judges were raising white and red flags rapidly, blowing whistles, and making decisions, the other table workers and I were looking at each other in utter confusion. Then the round was over. We all had blank scoring sheets and had no clue what just happened from a scoring perspective. I was so worried that my inexperience would mess up the results of the match and that would have been so unfair to the competitors. Thankfully the Judge Supervisor of the ring was at the end of the table and able to clarify for us what had just happened and who won. It was the gentleman that had a black eye, in case you are curious.

Once the black belt rounds were over the event coordinator broke us up into two groups so we could open the second ring. He told me that I would run the other table. Much like learning to swim by being pushed into the deep end of a pool. I was terrified and still in disbelief after how fast the Kumate round had went and having had no clue what I had seen. So, very nervously, I went over to the other ring and was joined by other volunteers, who also had very little to no experience. Having learned from the other table, I asked the Judge Supervisor to help us out by letting us know when either competitor got points so we didn’t miss anything. Once we got started everything ran very smoothly, it started out with the younger groups so things were at a slower pace, we learned together and were able to get the hang of it. The different flag position meanings, how to keep score, and how to keep things going started to click for us all. I believe, overall, we all did a really great job. It was terrifying but so much fun, like riding a roller coaster or sky diving. Everyone was so grateful to me and the other table workers, they all said we did a great job. I am excited to run more tables at future tournaments so we can prepare for Nationals.

A good take away from this is that we need more table worker volunteers so that it can run smoothly at each tournament with experienced people teaching new people. So please volunteer as much as you can; I’ll help you learn the ropes too!

Breastfeeding

Last night Greyson drank his last bag of donated breastmilk. We didn't make it to 2 years like I had really wanted to but we made it to 19 months. 19 months 10 days of no bottles, no formula. Breastmilk and eventually (after a year) we added raw goats milk during the day in a cup. Now he will only drink water and nurse what little I am producing. 

I am so grateful that we stuck it out, the breastfeeding bond is an amazing one that is worth every mile driven to get more milk, every sleepless night of waking to feed, every tear shed that I am just not enough to sustain my baby, the terror when we realized the deep freezer door had been left open and most of the milk had thawed, the constant worry that he might not be gaining enough weight in the beginning. 

Worth. Every. Second. 

He nurses to sleep for his naps, he nurses if he falls and hurts himself, he nurses in the middle of the night (though now it's less and less). I am his comfort in a way I never was with Parker. 

I mourn for the loss of that bond with Parker but I am grateful I have it with Greyson. I do my best to remind myself that it's not my fault and I didn't know then with Parker what I educated myself about before Greyson. But it's still hard and I can't help but wonder if Parker's ear aches would have never happened like Greyson doesn't get them. Or if the cough he tends to get every few months is because he didn't get the immune building benefits of extended breastfeeding. I will never know for sure and I try not to dwell on the past. 

Today I am celebrating the bittersweet victory and ending of feeding Greyson donor breastmilk. I hope that I am able to find as many amazing moms with my future children that I was this time around. I met some amazing women that have donated to us! 

If I counted correctly we received milk from 25 women over the past year and a half! 

A rough estimate of 8,000 ounces or 62.5 gallons of milk! 

I have made friendships that will last a lifetime and I cannot ever thank them enough for their generosity! Pumping milk is not easy, it is stressful and time consuming and the fact that they were willing to give us some of their hard earned liquid gold is so selfless and amazing. 

I am saddened that this era is over, but I am looking forward to possible better nights of sleep, goodness knows my body and mind are in desperate need for it. 

In a perfect world I would wait until Greyson was ready to wean but I was not given a perfect world with boobs that actually work the way they are supposed to so I have to accept it as it is and move on. 

I will continue to research and do everything in my power to balance my hormones, lead a healthy life  and do what I can to reverse the damage that was done during puberty but I also know that I will never be capable of exclusively breastfeeding, and that is disappointing but something I also just have to accept. 

I stuck it out, I walked the hard path, I never gave up, I did what I feel was best for my baby. So hell yeah I'm going to pat myself on the back and snuggle my beautiful baby(not so much :( )boy! 

Diapers, Paper Towels, Polyester

Things are going good so far. We got all the products I mentioned before and love them! I wish I knew about reusable paper towels a long time ago! They are amazing, I got bamboo ones and they are so much better than regular paper towel. They wash and dry nicely, and I can rinse them off throughout the day to wipe Greyson off after meals, clean up spills, dry my hands, etc. 

The cloth diapers I bought were Alvababy's. I got 5 bamboo lined pocket diapers with 5 bamboo inserts. By themselves they work good, I tried using receiving blankets inside so that the diapers could be reused but that never really worked out. 

Polyester is a type of plastic that has its own negative effects on the environment so as we buy new things like clothes or anything made out of fabric I will make sure to only buy 100% cotton, hemp, bamboo, or wool. Everything else is man made and I want to stay away from that! I know that will be a long process and it will be hard to get all the family on the same page, as some of them but us clothes for the boys, but as long as from now on what we bring into the house is plastic free it's a step in the right direction. 

That being said, the bamboo diapers are actually 85% bamboo and 15% polyester so ordering more of the same just didn't feel like the right thing to do. With cloth diapers it's hard to get all natural materials because it's used on the outside shell to be waterproof, so I found some that are all natural materials on the parts that will touch the baby. When just starting out with cloth diapering it can be very overwhelming because there are so many options and prices! Laura sent me a link to the type she used and I think I will like them. They are an All-in-two system which means you have the outside of the diaper (the cover) and the inserts. With these diapers you snap in the insert and put it on just like a disposable diaper. When you need to change the diaper you unsnap the insert, wipe the cover of needed and snap another insert in. I like this idea because then I don't have to buy a bunch of diapers just a few covers and then however many inserts I'll need to get through a day or two, depending on how often I do laundry. 

I cycled out all our plastic cups and took advantage of a Father's Day deal with the company Klean Kanteen and ordered some metal cups for all 4 of us. I know the boys will like them so I'm excited to get them. 

We are still trying to get this whole new way of life rolling, we have a hard time remembering to bring our reusable bags to the grocery store. I did opt to not use the plastic produce bags and just put them free in the cart though. Step in the right direction. 

I got myself a few new t-shirts and made sure they were 100% cotton, but then didn't ask the lady not to put them in a bag. This will be the hardest part for me, speaking up to people. From family who buy things for us to cashiers, I just have a hard time really sticking up for myself. I tend to just take things as they come and keep my mouth shut. I really need to work on it and just say what needs to be said. 

Other things I've ordered or are going to be getting are: 

wooden cutlery to take with us to places like picnics, family reunions etc. 

Bamboo straws to bring with us to restaurants

Metal straws for at home

Going Greener

After having Parker, I have been becoming more and more conscious of a lot of things. I am a lot more crunchy than the general population but I still have a long way to go. In the last year I have gotten rid of household chemicals and use green alternatives. At one point we got rid of all our plastic containers and got glass, but plastic has been creeping it's way back into our lives slowly. After having Greyson, I have been entertaining the idea of cloth diapering and we do only use cloth wipes as of a few months ago. 

Two nights ago I attended a lecture by Dr. Jeff Senechal D.C. about raising children naturally and it really got my wheels spinning. 

I spent that night after I got home feeling very overwhelmed! We eat very clean but not perfect and as Parker gets older more and more things have slipped through the cracks. I personally am an all or none person, type A and a perfectionist. With my own mystery health issues and doctors bills piling up I felt very stuck not knowing how to turn our lives around. I don't have a lot of support, my family and my in-laws think I am crazy, my husband eventually goes along with all my things but mostly thinks I'm crazy. We are working very hard to get debt free (following the Dave Ramsey plan) so spending money is always very emotionally difficult for me and my husband. 

Coming out of that lecture a few of the many things I wanted to start focusing on are eliminating plastic from our lives, cloth diapering, and eating (even) better. 

Thinking about plastic and eliminating it completely feels absolutely impossible to me, and being an all or nothing, if it's not perfect it's failure type person I don't even want to try because I know I will fail. The groceries we get are mostly unprocessed but still, strawberries, carrots, meats all come in plastic. I don't have the time, money, energy or resources to shop at butchers and farmers markets where we could potentially avoid that kind of stuff. 

After talking with a couple like minded girlfriends (Love you Laura and Lindsey) I calmed down and started to just look stuff up on the internet. The first day all I saw were price tags and just kept looking but made no commitments or changes. Today, however, I was calm enough to look at more products and make some purchases. 

For eliminating plastic the things I can immediately control are getting rid of plastic cups and dishes, and replacing our plastic shower curtain. They seem so small and it doesn't feel like a big change but I have noticed I am looking at the world with new eyes, critically thinking about alternatives to everything I need to purchase and really just taking it one step at a time. As long as each day I do a little better then I am on the right track. At the moment I feel ok with this way of thinking. I know there will be many times I just feel inadequate because I'm not perfect. The boys will always have plastic toys, but they won't drink out of plastic any longer. And that just needs to be good enough. 

I took the plunge and bought 5 cloth diapers to try out, I know it's not a lot and I'll need more but for now I am very excited about this step and I can't wait to see where it takes me! As gross as some people may think it is, I am considering and will most likely make it a reality, to not use toilet paper any longer and use cloth. To me, I'm already wiping 2 poopy butts and use cloth on the baby so I wash and reuse those everyday, it doesn't feel like a big leap to me. I don't think Andrew will jump on that band wagon but as the only female in the house I use the most toilet paper any way so it should help decrease our carbon footprint a bit.

We rarely use paper towel but we do use it. I stumbled across reusable paper towel made from bamboo and looked into it, asked Laura about her experience and ordered 2 rolls. 

So overall the last few days have been a roller coaster of anxiety and emotions. But I have new diapers and paper towels on the way and will reduce plastic as I go as much as possible! 

Another product I was introduced to are soap nuts, I plan to try that out once we run out of our seventh generation free laundry detergent. And homemade products will become even more used in our household!

I'm still a mom, without a mom.

I want to start blogging again, and I don't want to start yet another blog. The things I want to blog about will pertain at least partly about being a mom, and may not focus on me not having a mom, but that is still a cold hard fact and I am sure plays a role in all of my decisions in some way! 

It's been a long time since I wrote on here, and I'm sure no one will even read this anymore, but that's alright. At the very least it's something I can look back on! I now have 2 beautiful boys! Parker is 4 and Greyson will be 1 in a month! 

I read my past posts and I would like to say that Andrew is much better at helping around the house! Though we still argue about how messy it is most of the time :-/

Graduation

After 5 1/2 long years I am finally graduating college! It's an accomplishment for sure, but I am struggling to feel happy about it. First of all I feel like it was a waste of time and money, I have no plans of finding a job or continuing my education any time soon. I want to focus on raising my family. 

The second and heartbreaking problem is who to invite to the ceremony. I have 10 tickets, "only 10?" Some might say, yeah I expected it would be difficult to cut people in order to only pick 10 people. This is not the case. Not having mom around is what I think is the hardest for me, and because she will not be there to watch me walk I want to have lots of others be there to support me. I will have my fiancée and son (he does not count as a ticket), my dad and step mom, two uncles and one of their wives. For my family, that's all there is. I will also invite my fiancées mom because we have grown pretty close. I want my grandma to be able come but she has to fly my great grandpa down to Florida for the winter. Her not being here makes me pretty sad, I know it's not her fault and I don't blame her but she is the only grandma I have left. The other person I would really love to come is my best friend, she however is due to have her baby 8 days beforehand and I don't blame her for not wanting to a) take a newborn out in the cold or b) leave her newborn for a few hours. It's sad that she won't be able to be there for me, but I don't blame her for it. 

The fact that I am struggling to fill 10 seats makes my heart sad. 

The way I am feeling about it right now, I don't think it should be solely on me to spread the news that I am graduating via announcements. Not only do we not have extra money for them, most graduates' parents buy them and send them out. Not me, I just forked up $130 for 25 announcements that I really could care less about. I just don't feel like its anything special to celebrate, and now I have to figure out what 25 households I am going to send them too. Woohoo that sounds like a day I will need a double shot of cherry vodka in my coke zero. 

The point I suppose is that I wish my mom was here, and because she is not I wish the people I do have were closer and more supportive.

It's a strange phenomenon that everyone around me forgets that she is gone, it's been over two years and she has faded to everyone else. But her absence is just as fresh today as it was two years ago. People forget that I don't have that one big supporter in my life anymore. But I guess no one is obligated to step up and provide the extra support that I need. 

Sorry it's been so long since I have posted. To say I have been keeping myself busy would be an understatement. Thanks for anyone that still reads my blog. 

I am Entitled!

So this entry does not directly pertain to not having my mom around but I need to write to feel better or vent. 

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I love being a mom, I love taking care of Parker. I assume most moms can relate to this, but feeling this way does make me feel guilty...but I just want to not have to be mom tomorrow. I don't mean not be with him, I just don't want to have to do the "work" part. I will gladly do the tickles and hugs and kisses, I would just like to not have to do the diapers and the bottles and all the not fun parts.

So I told Andrew this and he basically said hell no. He asked why I felt I was entitled to a day off. 

This is the vent part, please excuse the anger and frustration. 

Why do I feel entitled to a day off?!!?? Are you freaking kidding me? He works from dark to dark Monday through Friday, when he gets home he does not have to do anything. 

I have one online class this semester and an internship. The internship is on Tuesdays and Fridays, the class for that is Wednesdays. On top of that I work Saturdays. So I get Mondays, most of Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays "off". What do I do after I get home? Work. What do I do on my days off? Work. By work I mean take care of Parker, try to keep up with house work, do homework, and try to learn how to make a living online. Sounds easy right (haha) well to him it does...

So he gets weekends off right, I love that he has Saturdays alone with Parker while I am at work. However, for some reason he doesn't need to do what I do around the house while I am with Parker. I really really think that he believes fairies keep the house clean. What does he do after work? Eats the dinner I made, and goes to bed. What does he do on his days off?play with Parker, sleep, watch tv, and when I am lucky he will do one or two things that I ask him to. 

So back to the original question: why do I feel entitled to have a day "off" from changing diapers and making bottles? Because 95% of my life is dedicated to changing diapers and making bottles, which is not this horrible task that I detest, I just want one day off, the day that is dedicated to that exact thing; Mother's Day.

It honestly feels like we are stuck in the stereotypical roles and that I am expected to do all of the house work and baby raising (and everything else that i do outside the house) and he only has to go to work. 

I feel that I shouldn't have to ask for a day off tomorrow. And I especially feel that after I did ask that he should have agreed with me, not fought it. I want to be appreciated for all that I do. I want him to acknowledge all that I do for him and Parker. I know that his point of view is that I don't appreciate that he has an hour commute both ways to work and usually works 10 hour days. But I work at the very least 15 hours a day plus all the nighttime stuff (which isn't a whole lot because we were blessed with a pretty good sleeper).

I am entitled to a day off. Because I am a great mom. Because I am a great housekeeper. Because I am a great fiancée. Because I am tired. Because I need a day for me. Because I need a day of ease. Because I want a day of only smiles, play time, and tickles.